TWO MINUTE FAN FICs
by morgy
Summary: TWO MINUTE FAN FICs come in all flavours, made especially for the sick minded, crazy and demented. NEW FLAVOURS !!!!!
1. The First taste

All characters belong to JK Rowling. These are all parodies. Offending material inside stories and if you are sensitive DON'T CONTINUE THEN! To enjoy TWO MINUTE FAN-FICs, read each story as separate storys.  
  
  
  
The collection of TWO MINUTE FAN-FICs  
  
FLAVOUR 1.  
  
One day Harry had finally woken from a very nice dream. It had Voldie, Hermione, Ron, Snape, Malfoy and Cho in it. Harry had learned that Snape was his real father. Voldie was his father-in-law, since he married Cho just after he had found out that Hermione had been going out with Ron and loved him more than Harry. So, instead of becoming gay with Malfoy, who is now also his brother since Snape had adopted him, he married Cho.  
  
Not surprisingly, Harry's scar didn't burn, so this must be right.  
  
THE END  
  
  
  
FLAVOUR 2.  
  
One day Harry and Malfoy were alone in the dungeons. Malfoy had taken out his wand and muttered "Lockerius", pointing towards the door. There was a silent click.  
  
We will now ignore them for the sake of privacy, meanwhile..  
  
Click, click. "Stupid door," Snape muttered "It must had jammed again! Unlockerius!". The door flung open and a horrific sight was present before Snape. No, I don't want to mention what it was, but Harry and Draco were doing something that they seemed to be enjoying and if I wrote it down it would be censored.  
  
"Can I join in?" asked Snape.  
  
FLAVOUR 3.  
  
It was the end of the 5th year and everyone was on the Hogwarts train. Harry had bee really frustrated with Cho since he hadn't been getting any. He had told Ron about this, who decided to devise a plan with him - on the train, they'd get Cho drunk so Harry could have a little fun with her. But instead, when they found Cho, after she got drunk she was making out with Hermione. Ron was furious with Hermione as she was his girlfriend and the time so Harry and Ron took some revenge by going off and having some gay sex. 


	2. The Aftertaste

All characters are not mine. All stories are parodies. Read each as separate stories.  
  
  
  
  
  
FLAVOUR 4.  
  
One day Hermione went to Harry and asked for a mirror. "Why do you need one?" asked Harry. "For Potions" Hermione replied. "What?! For Snape?!" spat Harry. "No, it's for someone else?" said Hermione. "Who?" asked Harry. Harry thinks very hard.. "Don't tell me, Ron!" shouted Harry. "I knew it!" Harry cried. "Why don't you ever go for me? I'm hot aren't I?" asked Harry. "Well, no. You are really.really, don't take this personally, but you're still a kid. Harry who did not go through puberty, wailed in his very high- pitched voice wailed, "No, I'm not! I'm a man!" Hermione who had her puberty and growth spurt, was now way taller than Harry who was still as shrimp. Even her voice was deeper than Harry's. "Look," Hermione said, "Ron and I don't really need you hanging around. We would really appreciate it if you stopped hanging around us." Harry didn't understand and was starting to cry. "Hermione," he pleaded. "Harry, I think it's in your best interest if you hung with people more like yourself. Like you could hang with Malfoy. I mean it'll be nice to make some new friends." Then Hermione left leaving Harry all alone in the great hall. Meanwhile, Malfoy was also in the great hall and his friends were rejecting him too. Harry walked over. "Hey, Malfoy. Can you be my friend."asked Harry in his high-pitched voice. Malfoy who had just been rejected thought; what the heck! It's better than being a Nigel. "Yes Harry I want to be your friend." Their friendship lasted for all the remaining years at Hogwarts and beyond. They even grew into a pair of crusty men, er, perhaps more like boys because they never went through puberty.  
  
  
  
FLAVOUR 5.  
  
Hermione looked at herself in the mirror. She cringed. Oh, why haven't I got any boobs, she thought. Lately, Hermione was quite frustrated at not getting any boobs lately. Every 4th year girl had already gotten some sort of boobs. Heck, girls in younger years also had developed some! Stupid Pansy Parkinson has been flouncing around with her size 14D chest. Life wasn't fair. With nearly every boy staring, including Harry and Ron, it didn't help. Even Snape had Man-boobs that were visible under his cloak. Hermione, all alone in her room had decided to take some action. She decided to go for some boob enhancement. She had gone to Hogsmeade and bought a book titled "A Quick and Fast way to a Fantastic Body and Not to Mention, a More Exciting Life". It contained spells that she'll need now, especially "boobs engorgio". Hermione undressed and pointed her wand at her chest area and yelled, "Boobs engorgio!" Lets leave her alone for a while.... Meanwhile, Harry had been pondering in his room about puberty. Earlier, Malfoy had mentioned something about 'never going through puberty' to him. Harry got worried because everyone had changed somehow and he thought that it might have something to do with. puberty. Ron had a lot of pimples for a start. Harry couldn't figure it out so he decided to ask Hermione and quickly rushed off. Back to Hermione's room... "Boobs engorgio!", shouted Hermione. Just then, Harry burst into the room; Hermione screamed and jumped with her wand now pointing at Harry's chest. A green ray shot out and Harry's chest expanded and expanded. Hermione, in the meantime, put some clothes back on. Harry's clothes started to rip. They eventually tore off. Finally, Harry's chest stopped expanding. Harry now had boobs the size of Pamela Anderson's. Harry fainted. "Lucky for me." Hermione concluded. 


	3. After the Aftertaste

FLAVOUR 6.  
  
Harry woke, sweating. His scar was burning with a fierce pain. He squirmed with the pain for a while and then got up to wash his face with cold water.  
  
He was creeping slowly towards the bathroom when the pain suddenly abated.  
  
Confused, he went back to bed.  
  
THE END  
  
FLAVOUR 7.  
  
Ginny was lonely. She really liked Harry but Harry had Sirius and didn't have room for her in his life. Ron was also lonely- but why would anyone want Ron, especially her since she was his sister...she needed someone else desperately. If she could only get with Cho, but everyone wanted Cho, she was the prettiest girl in the school. Ginny sighed. Suddenly she had an idea. The words Harry, revenge, Sirius were circulating round her brain. She needed to get in touch with Lupin.  
  
Lupin sat in his hole, depressed. His plan to get bitten by a werewolf and therefore become one to turn Sirius on didn't work and now they thought he was some kind of freak!! He supposed he was...oh well...  
  
There was a knock on the door of his hole and Ginny entered.  
  
"Who are you?" Lupin asked.  
  
"It's a secret, but if I told you I wanted you to get back with Sirius would you care??"  
  
"TAKE ME TO HIM!!" Lupin yelled in a husky, werewolf voice.  
  
Ginny was faced with a dilemma. She wanted Harry and Cho but now Lupin seemed more appealing.. She must stop him from going to Sirius.  
  
"Well, guess what? I don't know where he is!!! APRIL FOOL!!" she said.  
  
"NOOOOOOOO!!! How could you do this to me??!! You must be a very evil person!! I hate you!! Fuck you!!" Lupin cried.  
  
Oh dear, Ginny thought. I think I do have a better chance with Harry and Cho.  
  
"So sorry, I've just remembered where he is!" she cried.  
  
"WHERE? WHERE?"  
  
"He is in Harry's house."  
  
"Oh! Thankyou! Thankyou! You are so kind!! I love you!!"  
  
Well, I'm totally screwed, thought Ginny...  
  
THE END 


	4. Feeling sort of sick

FLAVOUR 8.  
  
Harry woke up. He had had a strange dream about him being a wizard.  
  
THE END  
  
FLAVOUR 9.  
  
Ron held Hermione's hand tightly.  
  
He was scared and so was she.  
  
They had reason to be.  
  
Snape was singing.  
  
"I'm feel pretty!  
  
Oh so pretty!  
  
I feel pretty and witty and gay!!"  
  
Harry, the coward, had already fainted.  
  
Draco was trying to shut up Snape in the only way he knew how.  
  
"Draco, stop trying to spellotape Snape's mouth! I've heard it can be fatal if you block off someone's breathing holes...." Seamus yelled.  
  
"He just needs to let all that inner confusion out." Hermione said wisely.  
  
"He's not confused, he's just demented," said Ron.  
  
"No! Snapeywapey isn't demented, he's just a little...tired" Draco protested.  
  
"Doesn't look like it..," as Snape started cartwheeling.  
  
"I think I know why he's acting strangely.." Hermione said and consulted a book.  
  
"I think I do too." Ron started to say but Hermione interjected-  
  
"YES! SNAPE IS A HJGFQWEUVHFJHFHDJHADIOAMAN!!!!"  
  
"Oh, that explains a lot," everyone said seriously.  
  
THE END 


	5. Letting it all out

NOTE: If you are very sick-minded or if you really enjoy these fics, please check out others by us- 'morgy' (stands for more orgy..anyway..) ENJOY AND REVIEW Read each as separate stories..but you might find some similarities.  
  
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FLAVOUR 10.  
  
"Boy, go get the mail!" Vernon shouted.  
  
Harry got up from the table slowly. He trudged towards the front door and opened it. There stood Voldemort.  
  
"Hello Potter" said Voldemort.  
  
"Hello, would you like some tea?" replied Harry.  
  
"Yes please."  
  
"Good-oh then. Come in."  
  
"Oh wait..I have to kill you but I think I won't if you give me tea and crumpets. Buttered crumpets."  
  
"Yes, I think we have some of those...but Dudley might have eaten them."  
  
"Who is Dudley?"  
  
"A small Killer Whale."  
  
"I've heard that they taste nice with Worcestershire Sauce."  
  
Harry was happy. Dudley had been eaten by Voldemort whose body now had a lump around the size of a small killer whale. Voldie then grabbed the bottle of Worcestershire Sauce and ate it. He now had a bottle shape and a small killer whale shape in him.  
  
"Ooooh, lumpy," said Harry, his scar burnt (he was getting excited).  
  
Vernon chuckled, "I am a pretty boy."  
  
Then Vernon rushed inside (as fast as he could considering his somewhat immense size) and told Petunia that he had never been fully satisfied with her scrawny body and head on a broomstick of a neck. Petunia then went off with the next door neighbours. Then Vernon went back inside, grabbed Voldie by the shoulders; told him "My dearest provider of pink, fluffy slippers, I've always wanted to tell you about my affinity for men built like combine harvesters. "Please, marry me!"  
  
Then Harry yelled "Hooray!" and called Dumbledore to perform the matrimonial rites in the Chamber of Secrets.  
  
THE END  
  
FLAVOUR 11.  
  
Harry woke up. He realised with a shock that he was a total loser- wow, he thought. He wondered why he had friends...  
  
Miles away in a place called Moomooland, a cow turned on its T.V..  
  
"Hi guys! Welcome to "Freaky Creatures"! Today on the show, we have a special case.  
  
Our reporters, Hermione Granger and Ronald Weasley have been investigating a lunatic boy by the name of "Harry Potter" at Hogwarts school.  
  
This young boy seriously believes he is a WIZARD!!"  
  
THE END 


	6. Happy Chappy

FLAVOUR 12.  
  
"A tree, a tree!" Harry yelled. He ran over to the Whomping Willow and blessed it. The whomping Willow smashed his head in.  
  
THE END  
  
FLAVOUR 13.  
  
Dobby hit his head against the cupboard again. It dented inwards and stayed there. Dobby reached for the bottle of Herbal Essence shampoo Harry always kept by the side of his bed and bashed it against his head.  
  
"Bad Dobby! Bad Dobby! Never tell on Harry again EVER! NEVER EVER!!"  
  
The other day Dobby had opened the door of Harry's dorm to find him sitting on his bed, wanking himself. He had become afraid, thought Harry was trying to hurt himself and told Ron. Ron passed this information around the whole school. He was now bagged out about sexual frustration and he was a joke. Suddenly Ron became cool. Harry was a total loser (what's new?).  
  
THE END  
  
FLAVOUR 14.  
  
"A pond, a pond!" Harry yelled. He ran to the lake and blessed it. The giant squid came out and ate him.  
  
THE END  
  
FLAVOUR 15.  
  
Harry and Ron were bored.  
  
"Harry, why don't you pee?"  
  
Harry was in confusement. "I don't need to."  
  
That night it was raining. There was a soothing noise of the rain against the window.  
  
Ron woke up. "Harry, why don't you pee?"  
  
Harry was in blankment. "I don't need to."  
  
THE END  
  
FLAVOUR 16.  
  
"Seriously, Sirius, can you just be serious?"  
  
THE END  
  
FLAVOUR 17.  
  
Draco was a weasel. A white, welkin, weasel. He liked to jump up and hit the floor, hard. Draco was afraid that his arch enemy HARRY would find out his secret and use it against him. Nooo!  
  
Ron saw the white welkin weasel.  
  
"Oh! What a cute white, welkin, weasel! He will be my pet as a replacement for Scabbers! I will call him Nabbers! And I will let him sleep on my bed!!"  
  
Ron was sleeping with Nabbers in his bed when suddenly a flushed, red face with floppy, blond hair appeared over the covers.  
  
"Oh dear, another of my pets happens to be a human in animal form!"  
  
"How dare you treat me like this!" Draco was pissed off! He had spent 24 hours being made to run around Ron's bed under the covers while Ron played explorer and tried to find him.  
  
"Well, it was fun..Oh- I spose I'll have to tell Harry that you are really Malfoy."  
  
"No, Ron, you don't have to. I still want to be your pet because I sleep in your bed."  
  
"OK then. I enjoy it too."  
  
THE END 


	7. Back for More

FLAVOUR 17  
  
Harry sat alone in his room. He was lonely. Why? - he thought.  
  
THE END  
  
FLAVOUR 18  
  
Hermione sat in her room reading alone. She was contented, as always.  
  
THE END  
  
FLAVOUR 19  
  
Ron was trying to make conversation with Harry. Harry didn't reply. Ron thought Harry sucked.  
  
THE END  
  
FLAVOUR 20  
  
Harry was alone in the Great Hall "This really sucks" says Harry as he was all alone in the Great Hall.  
  
THE END  
  
FLAVOUR 21  
  
Ginny was alone in her room sighing over a picture of Harry "This sucks!" she said.  
  
THE END  
  
FLAVOUR 22  
  
Hermione sat alone in the library. She was the only one there. She had all the books to herself. "This rocks! All the books for me!" Madam Pince the librarian overheard "What a loser!" she commented.  
  
THE END 


	8. Keep 'em coming

FLAVOUR 23  
  
Dobby was bouncing around the room! "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" he eeeed eeeingly. He was happay as a rabbit. Harry had banished him as a rabbit for being a loser.  
  
FLAVOUR 24  
  
Ron and Hermione watched in amusement as they watched a boy in the Great Hall stand in the middle and wave his arms around frantically pushing at things that weren't there, "How deranged" they thought.  
  
What Harry was doing: Harry stood in the middle of the Great Hall. "Nooo..." cried Harry, "I want to be alone" he said, waving his arms to push all the people back. Unfortunately for Harry no one else was in the room.  
  
THE END  
  
FLAVOUR 25  
  
Hermione was in the Gryffindor common room. She was fed up with the little attention she got. It was so unfair! She did all their work and what did they giver her? Hermione had felt like this since 4th year, especially after Harry and Ron started chasing after girls. Hermione was desperate. Suddenly an idea came into her head. Yes! No..no, its not my way Hermione thought. Sfter some more quick thinking she thought, What the heck! Hermione lifted her cloak, jumper, shirt and her undergarments and flashed her boobs to the whole Gryffindor house. Ron looks over "Hermione, leave that to the professionals" "Yeah!" the whole house agreed. Hermione, flat-chested, pulled her clothes back down, disappointed. 


	9. just one more

FLAVOUR 26  
  
For Muggle Studies the students were asked to write a story, a story written in the typical way of a Muggle, that swore and had a bad education. Ron, Hermione and Harry had handed in their stories. Now they were going to get their stories back. Hermione was veryy nervous, if she didn't get full marks, she with HER standards, would fail. They got their stories back. Ron got full-marks, Harry passed and inevitable Hermione failed. The comment at the bottom of her parchment was:  
  
"Ms Granger perhaps you should read Harry's and Ron's. you should include more words like "f**k" and "bloody", overall the essence of your attempt was terrible, even for people like Neville. Maybe you should consider dropping Muggle Studies."  
  
FLAVOUR 27  
  
Harry now sucked at Quidditch, he couldn't fly properly and couldn't see the Snitch anymore. Harry was crying. Malfoy walked passed and smiled at him, "There, There Harry" and he patted Harry on the back. Harry welcomed this comforting pat and Harry and Malfoy got very close. Very very close. Ron and Hermione were looking for Harry, "Where's Harry?" and Crabbe and Goyle had asked "Where's Malfoy?" There was a rumour around the school that a blone haired boy and black haired boy had been seen "Enjoying" themselves in Moaning Myrtle's toilets.  
  
FLAVOUR 28  
  
Crabbe and Goyle were extremely stupid. Malfoy watched as they acted stupidly, Malfoy sick of watching them hit each other said, "Why don't you jump into the lake?" Crabbe and Goyle shrugged and moved towards the lake. That was the last anyone saw of Crabbe and Goyle. 


	10. INTERMISSION

INTERMISSION  
  
NOW WE WOULD LIKE TO ENTERTAIN YOU WITH SOME DEMENTED T-SHIRT SLOGANS.  
  
VOLDIE'S T-SHIRTS:  
  
BLACK: It's slimming// DARK MARK: It's called a hickie// THE NAME'S VOLDIE// METAL LIMBS- they're good backscratchers// DEMENTORS: a pash to die for// IT'S FUN TO BE A BAD BOY//  
  
NOW FOR SOME RANDOM ONES:  
  
AVADA KEDAVRA/ ABRA KEDABRA- they're both the same thing..// BERTIE BOTTS EVERY FLAVOUR BEANS- you don't know where they've been// S.P.E.W. if you want to- it's voluntary// BUTTER BEER- yeast with added fat- yummy.// FLYING LESSONS- who's their dealer?// S.P.E.W. - a kind of Bertie Botts Bean// QUIDDITCH- I survived the bludgers// WANDS- no fun when they break your fall!// GREASY HAIR- the new 'look' at Hogwarts// BERTIE BOTTS EVERY FLAVOUR BEANS- take the risk!// POTION MASTERS- muggles call them dealers 


	11. After the Intermission

FLAVOUR 29.  
  
"Some grass! Some grass!" Harry ran out onto the lawn and blessed it. He tripped over and the grass stabbed him.  
  
THE END  
  
FLAVOUR 30.  
  
Kel was eating as much as she could before Owen arrived.  
  
Owen burst in, jollily. "Yay! Food!" he grabbed the table and shoved it down his throat.  
  
Kel was disappointed but before she could say anything, Cleon burst in. Him, being the red-headed giant he was, killed everyone then died himself of unknown causes because he was a red-head. (if you hadn't noticed, nearly every red-head in Tamora Pierce has died.)  
  
Neal walked in, pashing a random girl. He killed Cleon's body. "Ow!" Cleon said from death, "You killed me again!"  
  
The girl said "Oh! Nealie baby, you're so heroic! I love you!"  
  
Kel got up from the dead.  
  
"Hey, lay off, slut! He's my little baby! Never fear Neal! Kel is here!" and she charged at the girl. Girl ducks behind Neal and Kel ends up killing Neal by accident. "Oh well," says Kel, "I've always wondered about whether I should pursue Alanna's sexuality. Will you be my lesbian sex partner?"  
  
"OK, whatever, you are a guy right?" said the girl.  
  
THE END  
  
FLAVOUR 31.  
  
The giant squid was lonely. He sat alone in the bottom of the lake. He was sad. He had met his one true love, Viktor Krum, only to have him swept away by the EVIL BITCH Hermione. The giant squid rumbled with anger. Suddenly he popped out of the water.  
  
He was going to take action! He was prepared to KILL!  
  
He constructed a bubble of water that would carry him around while he tried to find Hermione, the evil one. The giant squid rumbled with anger and then rumbled with déjà vu.  
  
He rolled up into the castle, up the stairs, along the corridors, TO THE LIBRARY!  
  
It was empty. He talked to a few books but since they didn't tell him where the evil one was, he ATE them and consumed their power. He rumbled with joy.  
  
He followed his nose..his tentacles, to the girl's bathroom. He bumped the door open and a flood of water exploded onto him. It was wet, he liked it there.  
  
THE END  
  
FLAVOUR 32.  
  
"My friend, my friend!" Harry ran to Ron and blessed him. Ron shoved his wand deep into Harry's....bellybutton.  
  
THE END  
  
FLAVOUR 33.  
  
The fat friar was hungry, ghost-like drool hung from his mouth. "May I?" he asked, pointing at the plate of cold sausages. Unfortunately Kel had already gotten to them. As she swallowed them, Peeves popped out of a sausage.  
  
THE END 


	12. Ah the odd one

FLAVOUR 34.  
  
"I have a headache!" whined Harry to Ron. "Shut up!" "Awww.but it hurts." "Walk it off." So Harry did. As he was walking, he whistled to himself.  
  
FLAVOUR 35.  
  
"I still have a headache!" panted Harry (he panted because he was out of breath, not because of something else.) "I thought I was whistling, not panting." remarked Harry to himself as he wrote this story. "Shut up" said Ron. "Why don't you like me anymore?" asked Harry. "Shut up." said Ron. Harry got the point....................................................................  
  
THE END  
  
FLAVOUR 36.  
  
"ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ. Now I know my ABC, would someone PLEASE come play with me?" Harry recited.  
  
THE END  
  
FLAVOUR 37.  
  
"Aargh! The voices in my head have started again!" Harry yelled. "Weren't they from the Basilisk?" asked Ron. "What Basilisk? The voices- aaargh!" "What are they saying Harry?" asked Hermione, worried. "KILL! LET ME RIP, TEAR! DIE!" "Aargh, Harry! You evil bastard!"  
  
THE END  
  
FLAVOUR 38.  
  
Harry and Professor McGonagall swapped glasses.  
  
THE END  
  
FLAVOUR 39. (The reason behind Harry and Cho's relationship)  
  
"Oh, Harry! You have stolen my heart!" Cho cried. Harry glanced guiltily at his pocket where a large, red, beating thing was bleeding down his leg. "We are connected by many bonds," Cho continued. "True," Harry thought, looking at the veins stretching from the gaping hole in her chest to his pocket. "I could not live without you!" (literally)  
  
THE END  
  
FLAVOUR 40.  
  
Harry sat on the floor, reading. He sounded the difficult words out- "the c- a-t s-a-t on the m-a-t." Hermione burst in on him-"Harry, Professor Dumbledore is looking for you! He said go down to the..what are you reading??" "mummy?"  
  
THE END  
  
FLAVOUR 41. (A day in the life of a Harry Potter fan- called Jess)  
  
The girl lay in her bed. The sun streamed through the window as she woke up. "Ahhhh," she sighed. "What a wonderful Harry Potter day." She put on her cloak, Gryffindor scarf and picked up her wand. She looked into the mirror and carved herself a scar. "Yay, that makes me feel special." As she went downstairs, she rambled to herself some Harry Potter facts. Her mum said nothing. "Oooooh," thought the girl, "just like the Dursleys." As shewent to school, she fell. "Ahahahahhaa! That felt nice!" She even had no friends, like Harry Potter. She's so proud. "Ahahahahhahhaa! That feels nice!" One day Harry Potter came to visit the girl. "I love you!" he shouts at her. The girl blushes with enthusiasm. "Yay! That feels nice!" "doyouwannagoballwithme?" asks Harry in a flurry. "Yay! That feels nice!" she replies, "Of course, Harry my love!" They sit and Harry Potter together.  
  
THE END  
  
FLAVOUR 42.  
  
"Avada Kedavra!" cried Voldie. "Expelliarmus!" cried Harry.  
  
Harry dies. Voldie has a serious head injury (and no wand). "Incendio!" cries Voldie and bursts into flame. "Impediment Jinx!" cries someone in the shadows and Voldemort freezes.  
  
THE END  
  
FLAVOUR 43.  
  
Hermione looked at herself in the mirror. She cringed. "Oh, why haven't I got boobs?" she thought. Hermione was very frustrated at not getting any boobs lately. Every fourth year girl had already got some sort of boobs. Even Snape had man-boobs that were visible under his cloak. Hermione, all alone in her room, decided to take some action. She decided to go for some boob enhancement. She went to Hogsmeade and bought a book containing spells that she'd need at this age, including "boobs engorgious". Hermione undressed and pointed her wand at her chest and yelled "boobs engorgio!" Let's leave her alone for now. Meanwhile Harry was in his room, pondering about puberty. Malfoy had mentioned something about 'never going through puberty' to him. He got so worried, because everyone, Ron too, had changed in some way (he had a hell of a lot of pimples). He decided to go to Hermione for some answers. Back to Hermione's room: "Boobs engorgio!" shouted Hermione. Just then, Harry burst into the room. Hermione screamed and jumped with her wand pointing at Harry's chest. A green ray shot out and Harry's chest expanded and expanded. His clothes started to rip. Finally his chest stopped expanding and he had boobs the size of Pamela's. "Aaah!" they both screamed.  
  
THE END  
  
FLAVOUR 44. (I'm sure you won't mind a random LOTR fanfic stuck in the middle of this.)  
  
"You're NOT marrying that element, Argon, or whatever his name is." Elrond snapped at Arwen. "But Aragorn is a leader of men!" "A leader of gases you mean.." "Aha!" cried Arwen, finally understanding her father's confusion, "but Argon is a NOBLE gas!"  
  
Explanation for that totally demented fic: Our theory is that Aragorn was named after Argon- a noble gas.  
  
FLAVOUR 45.  
  
In Colin's hand as he lay, dying:  
  
To my LOVE Harry, this is an ode to Harry Potter:  
  
Oh I can't bear to live another waking moment without you in my arms. Oh Harry Potter, No other is hotter, My love is unrequited, Making me excited. Thinking of your firm dork, Makes me want to suck your cork, Oh, it's Harry, I'm going to MARRY!  
  
Till we meet again, my sweet love. My lips wait to meet yours. UNNDYING LOVE,  
  
Colin.  
  
A random thought: my initials match Cho Chang's and Colin Creevey's. I know which one I would rather be...( and just so you know, that is Cho Chang) Laloo ON WITH THE SHOW!!  
  
FLAVOUR 46.  
  
"Harry, your pants are wet," commented Ron. Harry looked down. "Oh, I seem to have soiled myself. How embarrassing." Harry dacked himself and put on his real fur coat. "Aargh! It's a bear!" "No, actually.. It's a gazelle."  
  
THE END  
  
FLAVOUR 47. (A more morbid fic)  
  
Harry wondered why he existed. He was such a loser. His brain started to work for the first time in his life. He got so smart that he exploded. Bits of Harry decorated the common room and the world laughed at the bits of him.  
  
THE END 


	13. The Diaries

In FLAVOURS, we have decided to add a new series of fics that have the theme 'Valentines Day'- these are diaries written by main Hogwarts characters. ENJOY! THE DIARIES:  
  
Dumbledore's Diary:  
  
Dear Diary, On this Valentines Day, I happen to be bed-ridden, though I did send McGonagall a Valentines. She accepted it and liked the crusty skin I'd also sent her. Well, love is all around Hogwarts today...... Severus got a Valentine too, though I have doubts that it was from somebody else.  
McGonagall accepted the invitation. I'm expecting a fun night...... (Although it is a little hard to turn on a younger woman at my age.)  
  
I will leave now as I must take some Viagra for tonight, Dumbledore.  
  
Hermione's Diary:  
  
I wrote myself a love letter and got roses delivered to myself in the morning at breakfast. I'd bought myself the biggest bouquet of roses. No- one noticed!! Not even Malfoy! Malfoy sent Pansy a big bunch, not as big as mine, but at least it hid her bust. I mean, what is it with her? OK. Just because I don't have much, (OK, hardly any), I still don't see the point. I HATE IT! Even Harry and Ron can't stop gawking! If you don't believe me, you should have seen Snape when he walked into class! He was absolutely furious when he found out Pansy had got a Valentine. Normally, he just gawked at her! But it's never as bad as Harry. He can't even keep his eyes off them, even during Quidditch! His eyes seem to think the snitch is buried in Pansy's chest!! I'M NOT JEALOUS! I'M NOT! I'M NOT!! WHY WOULD I BE JEALOUS OF THAT?! Ron is just as bad as Harry. Even worse sometimes. I asked him if he had done gis homework and all he could say was; "Huh, what? Pansy, big, huge...." you get the idea. The only reason Harry's not as bad is cause he tries not to let Cho see he likes Pansy's bosom. Anyway, I'm pretty sure Cho feels like me. SEE! I'm not the only one. Cho used to have the biggest bosom, BEFORE Christmas. But I still hate her! She got a Valentine. From Harry! DAMN THEM, can't people get it into their heads that LOOKS AREN'T EVERYTHING!!  
  
You know what!! McGonagall also got a Valentine! From Dumbledore! And Snape too!( But from who, I can only imagine.) Perhaps he wrote one to himself. Like me. So there's two desperate lonely hearts floating around school.... NO! I am NOT going to get with Snape! No Way! Although he's kinda hot....If only Lockhart was here....  
  
Oh Shit! I spent too much time writing in here, I should be doing my Potions homework! Hmm... maybe I should look at some love potions?? Snape..... OK. NO WAY, HERMIONE. YOU'RE NOT THAT DESPERATE!! (Yes I am....)  
  
.........Hermione  
  
Ron's Diary: (more like bits of paper with scribble..)  
  
Pansy, big, huge, WHOA! Shit, Malfoy, DAMN! Oh well..... BIG, HUGE. PANSY. YUM. Hermione, valentine....whatever..... PANSY, WHOA! HUGE. YEAH!  
  
Goyle's Diary: (untranslated)  
  
GrUnt, gRunt,  
qiewipv jhrevp fhILJHIB  
Yghhoho;ihoihrtjegjmvlknsd  
8&*%toibyh , GrUnt, GruNt! crabbe, CRAB!!  
  
''(*(_*gOyle?  
  
Goyle's Diary: (translated)  
  
Crabbe came to me today and told me he wanted me to be his Valentine. I was so happy. You know how I wanted him to be my Valentine for a lone time, but I was too confused to ask him. He was having the same problem too! I'm so glad. He also felt that we didn't need Malfoy anymore, which was even better! We then decided to get back at Malfoy by screwing WITHOUT him. He'll be so mad. Oh well, we found the perfect cupboard and had elready got it on a bit, when that stupid Neville boy came along and said he needed to go screw himself in a cupboard. We told him to get lost. Oh well, I found out that Crabbe can screw much, much better than lousy Malfoy. We plan to screw every night, WITHOUT Malfoy now. Anyway, he's got Pansy to screw with.  
  
Goyle. 


	14. A bit of both

SNAPE'S DIARY  
  
Today was Valentine's Day. Very interesting. "50 POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!!" Oops, sorry, my mistake. "Are we lonesome tonight?" Not anymore Snapey old boy it seems that sending myself a Valentine made people notice me. I feel a great balloon of happiness welling up inside my heart. Is this love?? Aargh it exploded. Oh well it seems to have been only a pocket of gas. Must run.  
  
DRACO MALFOY'S DIARY  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
I am the best. Had a good snog with everyone. Yes I AM the best. My hair is awfully nice. Oooh, I bet you wanna feel my hair.. *Malfoy rubs his hair against his diary, while making orgasmic noises* Mmmm.definitely the best. Love, Draco.  
  
SALAZAR SLYTHERIN  
  
Dear Diary, Today was Valentine's Day! I sent myself a Valentine, although I forgot I placed a bomb inside the card so I blew my face off. Whoops my eye just fell out...that's better. "SHERBERT LEMON?" "Oh, hello Dumbledore! Did you notice the new look?" "No. I did not. I am blind." "Lets get it on."  
  
FLAVOUR 48  
  
Something fell on Harry's head. It was bird shit.  
  
FLAVOUR 49  
  
The old man leaned on the bench, breathing heavily. With a cracked voice he shouted "Expelliarmus!" and fell to his knees. He groped for a broom. Reaching for one, he placed it between his knees. "Zoom, zoom!" he whispered as he remembered the good old days of Quidditch. "Hello Mr. Potter. How are you today?" a kind voice asked him. He mumbled to himself and writhed on the floor. "Lets get him out of here." The kind voice said in an undertone not meant for the old man's ears. But the old man heard. He heard everything. He turned his face up to the nice man. "Go..go away!" he cried. A white cloak enveloped him as he was carried away. Away to the mental institution. THE END. 


	15. PIGWIDGEON!

FLAVOUR 50.  
  
Misinterpretation: Order of the Phoenix- p264 (copied completely from the book- my suggestions are in the brackets and some parts I cut out)  
  
"It was-" Harry began. "Completely lousy," said Ron in a hollow voice, sinking into a chair beside Hermione. She looked up at Ron and her frostiness seemed to melt. "Well, it was only your first one (time)," she said consolingly, "It's bound to take time to-" "Who said it was me who made it lousy?" snapped Ron. "No one," said Hermione, looking taken aback, "I thought-" "You thought I was bound to be rubbish?" "No, of course I didn't! Look, you said it was lousy so I just-" ...... Hermione turned to Harry. "Was he lousy?" "No," said Harry loyally. Hermione raised her eyebrows. "Well, I suppose he could've played better," Harry muttered......  
  
FLAVOUR 51.  
  
"My last words are..quimble, lala, gooble," Dumbledore croaked and died.  
  
PIGWIDGEON  
  
"Eeeeeewww! Eeeewwwww! Let's play eagles!!" "No. Let's get it on." Hedwig answers. "Let's play eagles." "Let's get it on." "FINE! Let's play eagles while we get it on." "That sounds good," Hedwig replies in a sleazy voice. "Eeeew! Eeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!" Pig flies into a window. They get it on. Draco watches, amused. "Eeeeew, eeeeewww," he laughs. 


End file.
